I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
