Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
