and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Randomize
