So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
