I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
