Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
