I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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