I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
