Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
