Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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