mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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