the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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