You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
