Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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