dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
