Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
