apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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