its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
