Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
