Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
