i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
