Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
