Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
