Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
