Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
