Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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