My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize