I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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