I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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