I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
