I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Randomize
