Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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