I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize