How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
