Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
