Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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