i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
