I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I am mentally ready for anal.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
