She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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