I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
