is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
