My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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