I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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