That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize