my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
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