We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
