Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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