i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
don't judge my taste in strippers
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
