Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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