Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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