After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
