My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
