He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
