If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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