I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
