if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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