Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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