I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize