Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
