I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
